closure doesn’t exist — this is coming from a girl who’s begged for it one too many times

from my journal and notes app

For anyone reading this who is not yet aware of our current astrological transits happening, let me be the first to tell you that as of last night, we’ve officially entered eclipse season - with a blood moon lunar eclipse last night. I’m not a super expert on this kind of thing, but the astrology girlies on Tiktok warned me of feeling intense emotions leading up to the weekend, and I sure felt them. I felt them so hard that I dug through one of the unpacked moving boxes stacked behind my dresser to find my gold journal and purple felt pen so I could write all about it.

I’ve decided I want to re enter my writing era (right now I brand myself as a writer who doesn’t ever share any of her writing) so I did what any girl would do and opened my notes app for inspiration. In doing so I came across a folder of songs I completed in the summer of 2023 all part of my debut EP (unreleased of course) titled “The Things I Never Got Over”- and for anyone who knows me, you’d know that that is a pretty fitting title for any body of work I could create. The collection of songs centers the relationships in my college years- particularly the one which was the hardest for me to get over (hence the title).

The intro of the album follows twenty year old me not being able to accept a relationship ending because I never got that final conversation of closure, and begging for an answer. Then we have songs where I internalize every little mistake I could have made and why, and how that could’ve contributed to me ultimately not being good enough, songs where I recount specific days and moments in a desperate attempt to discover where things went wrong, and then the outro where I realize it's been almost two years and all this investigating got me nowhere, and I’m still looking for closure.

(stills are from the film Someone Great)

There were two things I took from this: one- heartbroken twenty-one year old me was kind of a lyrical genius, and two- you can spend months, years even (and I have a many of times before), going over the same scenarios and playing back the same moments trying to pinpoint where the start of the end began, and sometimes you’ll find it, but a lot of the time you won’t. Even if you do, the knowledge of why someone or something changed, isn’t going to reverse the change. And I think that’s what I was really afraid of, the change that happens when you let a chapter close- the insecurity and uncertainty of thinking because I got it wrong this time and don’t know why, I’m going to get it wrong every time. And that’s why I was desperately seeking answers from other people- if someone could just tell me what I’m doing wrong then I’ll fix it, and I won’t have to go through this cycle of constantly grieving relationships and phases. But when I zoom out and look at the broader picture of my life- it’s only when I accepted these endings, even the ones that hurt, that I found new people and opportunities entering my life with ease, and the kind of ease that makes you skeptical thinking its too good to be true. I forget sometimes my double virgo instinct to control the state of everything only holds me in a perpetual waiting room from getting the things I actually want.

I never got closure from that person, but I did move on. And when I sit and think about it, I can still recall those feelings of sadness and insecurity, because they don’t ever fully go away, but inviting change allowed me new experiences which over time started to invalidate those silly voices in my head. That’s why I don’t think closure exists, because there isn’t an answer anyone else can give you to explain why a door is closing, only you can choose to accept the change and write a new beginning. New beginnings are scary, but that’s why my journal is full of stickers and color- it makes writing them a little less intimidating.

I’ll never cosplay as an advice guru, because I forget these things time and time again, and make the same mistakes all the time- in fact I am really writing this letter to myself (rare occurrence of me taking my own advice) because I still haven’t fully outgrown these feelings.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from watching other artists share their writing and articulating these feelings myself, it’s that a lot of us feel the same way, whether or not we reveal it, and my wish is that we feel a little less lonely and a little less ashamed of the things we feel.

And if you need any help writing your new beginning, I suggest a gold journal and purple felt pen :)

- your friend Sanah <3